BRYSON DECHAMBEAU PLAYS LIV GOLF - Jim Winston-Smith

Epilogue 

BRYSON DECHAMBEAU PLAYS LIV GOLF is something of a month full. In his email to me, Jim also described this game as 'GET IN THE HOLE!', And, apart for being easer to type, this name has such potential of innuendo that I've referred to BDPLG as GET IN THE HOLE! from this point on.

So, Jim has made a quirky and rather excellent 1D golf game in the spirit of Herman Tissies 1D golf (by me) from 2021's compo. Definitely worth checking out then. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. There is the small matter if my review to get through first.

A rather unwarrantedly bawdy introduction 

Looking at this image of Swiss Tony is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.

As Swiss Tony once said, playing 18 rounds of GET IN THE HOLE is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you want to fill the hole with your flag pole. Then after a while, that's not enough anymore and you take you pole out of the hole and try to get your balls in the hole instead. 

Moving swissly swiftly on...

Family tree

This is the family tree of inspiration that led to GET IN THE HOLE! being created.

1D Tetris

Herman Tissies 1D Golf

Trans World Golf Z88

Nic Faldo plays the open

My experience of playing GET IN THE HOLE! without reading any of Jim's waffle and bunk

For all those who think I don't pay attention - I loaded this game in real time, only to discover a hidden message.

Initially, with GET IN THE HOLE! you don't actually have to do anything to drive, other than pick you club. In that sense, the first part of the game is more a caddy simulator. But when you land on the green there is a traditional rising power bar mechanic where you can actually select your power level and don't have to blast it as hard as you can. As with Herman Tissie's 1D Golf, once on the green short puts are exceptionally unforgiving. I was about to get my first birdie, with only 1 yard to the hole, and managed to do a 0 yard put. Mind you, I still managed PAR which felt like an achievement given the difficulty and unpredictability of this game.

Cripes!

Look at this hole (above). I landed in the left bunker and my only option was to select a SW. That landed me in the bunker to the right, my only option was the SW, this again landed me in the bunker to the left. And so it went, back and forth in this manner, for some time, until, for reasons I didn't understand, and seemed to have no control over, I selected the SW and landed nicely on the green.  

Oh yeah! I got it in the hole all right. Get in that hole, ball! that's right, gimmie that sweet, sweet PAR. That's what imma talking about...

...err. Over to Jim to explain everything.

Jim's waffle and bunk, unabridged

IN THE HOLE! Or rather....

BRYSON DECHAMBEAU PLAYS LIV GOLF

بريسون ديشامبو يلعب ليف غولف 

Introductory junk

Yet again we have another shining example of how I can take a very simple idea and run with it until the final product is far, far in excess of what CSSCGC standards demand. In this case, it started with "what could I possibly use the Currah Microspeech for?"

The idea came while watching the highlights of the US Open in 2021, where Bryson DeChambeau was the defending champion. The commentators had mentioned how his ridiculously long driving had been a product of 2020-mandated House Arrest™ (even during the reign of God-Emperor Trump...), and he'd decided to Go To The Gym™ (which seems to have become a shibboleth for The Right™ in a way that a vegan diet and a lisp is for The Left™, but that's a rant for another day...) in order to bulk up and hit drives the likes of which even Happy Gilmore could only have dreamed of.

As ever, there being American golf fans on the course, every single shot - even a tee shot on a 600-plus-yard par 5 - was accompanied by a loud yelp of "GET IN THE HOLE!" in an American accent. Occasionally it would be replaced by something like "MASHED POTATO!" for reasons I have never fully understood. [JB: Well that's cleared up the mashed potato thing!]

And so, "Bryson DeChambeau Plays The US Open" was born. Think of it as a tribute in name to Argus Press' "Nick Faldo Plays The Open" from 1985, and to Jamie Bradbury's "Herman Tissies 1D Golf", from the 2021 CSSCGC which I was busy judging at the time.

Inspirational. 

(Shameless plug of my own game)

Of course, I couldn't enter my own competition - and now, two years later, the golf shoe is on the other foot. For it is Jamie Bradbury who is this year's host - and the golfing world has been shocked by the formation of LIV Golf, proposed by Greg Norman, backed by billions of not-entirely-clean Saudi riyals, and enthusiastically joined by Bryson DeChambeau, Phil Mickelson, Patrick Reed, and 46 others.

In this game, the Saudis have really decided to flash their cash. They are carting their 48 players (leaving the two reserves behind...) all over the Great Sheitan - by which they mean the United States - for a single-round, winner-takes-all tournament, played at ONE hole of each of 18 different golf courses!

Playing the game

You control Bryson DeChambeau as he is determined to prove the best way to win at LIV Golf is to SMAAAASH!! the ball as hard as possible with every club that isn't a putter. Fortunately, his sponsors have furnished him with a unique set of clubs, with an exceptionally short set of short irons and wedges, designed to rein in his exuberance. (For the record, originally all the clubs were supposed to have 1.5 times the range of those in Game Boy Golf from 1989, but this left a gaping gap where a sand wedge would never result in a drive less than 99 yards... so they've been spaced out more.)

This game takes a different approach from the usual magazine type-in golf games from 1982-83, which would usually ask for the angle of attack and strength of the shot, followed by a series of PLOTs that track the trajectory of the ball. Not so here.

For a regular shot, all you do is press one key on the keyboard - from A for the driver to M for the sand wedge - and the Spectrum does the rest for you. Not every club is available on every surface, mind. As the grass gets longer, the maximum length of club gets shorter; you'll only be able to use the wedges when in the bunker, and you won't be able to put off the tee (but who does?) The ball will be hit at an angle determined by the maximum and minimum face angle of each club, and the strength of the shot will vary by ±2%. This can cause wild variations in distance - the driver can have a ±29% error in its average driving distance, whereas the pitching wedge varies by only ±4%.

Putting is the only stroke where you get control over the strength of the shot - even Happy Gilmore knew about that (although not how to control his temper if he missed the put). You'll get a countdown, then the message window will be replaced with the Putting Power meter. Stop it at whatever shot strength you want - but if it gets all the way to the top, Bryson will smack the ball with the same gusto as his drives. That can mean a ridiculous 45-yard put if on the green - other surfaces will restrict putting distance somewhat.

If the square under the ball is completely black, this is out of bounds - the ball will be returned to its starting position with a one-stroke penalty. Landing in the water incurs the same penalty but will see the ball placed at the edge of the water, moving away from the hole.

The Currah Microspeech plays the role of the ever-present Shouty American, and I've even tried to make it spew its electronic garbage in an American accent. Judge for yourselves if this is a success. The game has been programmed to avoid any problems with 128K models (such as not using UDGs T and U), but the Currah Microspeech won't work with these later models. This might be a benefit.

And as with what made Happy Gilmore's reputation, it IS possible, although EXTREMELY unlikely, to hit a hole in one on all of the par 4 holes, except the 18th. Don't try it on the par 5s, though. You have been warned.

Holes and clubs

See the txt file included in the download

Arabic phrasebook

بريسون ديشامبو يلعب ليف غولف 

- "brison deshambaw yaleab lif ghulf"

- "Bryson DeChambeau plays LIV Golf"

مبرمج بواسطة ج.وتمن خلال عام ١٤٤٤

- "mubarmij biwasiṭat j.wtmn khilal eam 1444"

- "Programmed by J.Waterman during the year 1444"

!تهانينا! لقد نجحت

- "tahanina! laqad najaḥtu!"

- "Congratulations! You have succeeded!"

- Or, in Spectrumese: "Congraturation! You sucsess!"

كأس

- "kalis"

- "trophy", "cup", etc.

٢٠،٠٠٠،٠٠٠ ريال سعودي

- "20,000,000 riyal saudiy"

- "20,000,000 Saudi riyals" (US$5,333,333 - pegged at US$1 = 3.75 riyals)

!أنت تفشل في ذلك

- "'ant tafshal fi dhalik!"

- "You fail at it!"

Extra shout outs

Dr. Nabil Nazmi, the Egyptian academic who translated the entire Spectrum ROM into Arabic, keyword names and all. This was 36 years ago so he may or may not still be alive. I'd hope he is.

The authors of Es.pectrum, for including the Arabic 48K Spectrum among the international models they chose to emulate.

The online Encyclopaedia Britannica (yes, it still exists!) for providing the clearest guide to the Arabic alphabet I could find:

The anonymous artist who drew the much more interesting loading screen for the Amstrad CPC version of "Nick Faldo Plays The Open", compared with its Spectrum equivalent. It made a surprisingly not-entirely-terrible translation from the CPC's Lego-brick graphics with 27 colours to the Spectrum's with better resolution but no sky blue, grey or dark green.

Final Thoughts

Clearly I should have ready the waffle and bunk before playing the game, but that is not the way here in this year's compo. Reading is for those who have been infected by the Leftist woke mind virus. Only Swiss Tony memes from here on out.

• The game is pretty.
• It is above and beyond the level expected in this compo.
• It is actually quite fun.
• A nice feature is that it calculates a leader board with all the other players (takes ages though)
• I have a soft spot for 8 bit golf games
• If Herman Tissies 1D Golf and GET IN THE HOLE were combined you would have the makings of a reasonable game.
• Playing this game is not really like making love to a beautiful woman.

So, what of the in game Currah Microspeech speech, any good?

All I say is listening to Jim's Currah Microspeech speech rendition of GET IN THE HOLE! is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.

First, you need to load up an emulator, search the menu for peripherals, then see if Currah Microspeech speech is supported. You see it in the menu (cheeky!), and carefully select the option only to find that because the emulator machine type is already set to '+2a', the emulator completely ignores your advances and does what the hell she likes (you need to tame this filly). After playing the game half an hour and thinking all the while 'where the flippers is the speech I'm expecting to hear?' you realize what has happened. At that point you gently press her reset switch, select the correct ROM. 48k? Yeah, sure. You've come this far, time to go all the way. Now with the all the correct settings selected, you reload the game. Pulses rising and then the game starts. Deep in game now, you select the 1 Wood, because, hey, it's your best shot at a hole in one, right? Suddenly, the ball flies free. Sores like a pixelated falcon against a cyan sky. Then the speech comes! All garbled an hurried, the Currah Microspeech speech springs in to life, reaching it climax quickly, sounding like a sack of dead batteries being thrown from the 9th floor stairwell of a long abandoned Le Corbusier tower block. 

And that's all she wrote. Good night, god bless and stay say safe my lovely people.

Oh yeah, the game..... play it here. It's good.